Join the Tiny Buddha list<\/strong> for 20 free gifts, including challenges, workbooks, and more!<\/p>\n “You can’t make your way to be liked. You can express yourself and trust that the right person will like what they get.”<\/strong><\/p>\n Finding an unmarked door, I entered the dimly lit house with that “Love Jones” vibe. Neo-soul played a low, bright shade of red in the face, and the bass line vibrated in my chest. This was the kind of place where real conversations took place.<\/p>\n I was having a cocktail when he came up next to me. Dark eyes, an easy smile, the kind of presence that keeps you straight. “What are you drinking?”<\/p>\n In a few minutes, we went beyond small talk and into the deep stuff. Where we were on our trip. What were our goals. We really wanted it. The conversation felt grown up. On purpose.<\/p>\n When he asked for my number and gave his, my heart did something it had never done in years. I got out of that easy float.<\/p>\n The next day was Sunday\u2014my reset day. I didn’t expect to hear from him so soon. But on Wednesday, there was a lot of noise. Time flies when you’re busy helping others, and I’ve been busy all week.<\/p>\n I sent him a quick message, letting him know that I enjoyed our conversation and looked forward to hearing from him. He didn’t call.<\/p>\n I was confused. He approached me. He asked for my number. Why not?<\/p>\n I pulled out my journal and replayed the night frame by frame. What was I asking him? About his work. His family. His dreams for the future. All the right open questions to draw someone out and feel seen.<\/p>\n That’s where it hit me.<\/p>\n I am a high school counselor. I have a master’s degree and years of experience building relationships with youth and their families. People tell me that they are naturally attracted to me, that I make them feel safe enough to be vulnerable. It is my gift.<\/p>\n But that day, I was in the role of a counselor. I was very focused on communication with<\/em> he\u2014asking questions, creating safety, helping deepen\u2014that I had never stopped to ask myself: Am I even search<\/em> to connect to<\/em> him?<\/strong><\/p>\n I wasn’t pretending. I was being honest\u2026 a professional. And that was the problem.<\/p>\n This was not new. I thought back to the other days. The lawyer who talked about his divorce for forty minutes and I nodded sympathetically. A teacher who shared her dreams of starting a nonprofit while I asked meaningful follow-up questions. A singer who opened up about his complicated relationship with his father while I opened up to him about his feelings.<\/p>\n I left each day thinking it had gone well. But I never once asked myself: Was I attracted to them? Did their values \u200b\u200bmatch mine? Did I enjoy the conversation, or was I just running it?<\/p>\n I didn’t know. Because I was busy doing my job well.<\/p>\n This worked in my office. It didn’t work for days. I was not caught. I needed to stop depending on my work ability and start getting real about what I really wanted.<\/p>\n I started reading Loving Boldly<\/em>. Writing at night. Listening to Louise Hay. I continue my yoga practice. I wasn’t faking it on dates, but I didn’t know what I wanted either.<\/p>\n Once I discovered what I liked about myself, I could express what I wanted in a partner. A true best friend who can stay with me, support my dreams, and have his own dreams. Someone who won’t try to control me or make me lose myself.<\/strong><\/p>\n I had been down that way before. I thought it was better to be single than to settle down.<\/p>\n So I went to work. Not in finding a man\u2014in finding me.<\/p>\n I took a hard look at my past relationships. What I endured. What I don’t care about. All I can do is keep the peace. It became painfully clear: I was so focused on being chosen that I forgot I was even choosing.<\/p>\n Give me a favor. I didn’t grow up in a two-parent household, so I didn’t have a relationship template to refer to. I have been thinking about this love thing as I live it, every day.<\/p>\n It wasn’t easy. But I knew that my person would not knock on my house while I was busy doing things for strangers.<\/p>\n I started dating myself. I didn’t wait to be asked to go out with a doll. I am making plans to celebrate my life.<\/p>\n I stopped accepting last minute invitations. Someone who really respected me would plan ahead of time, not thinking that I was sitting at home waiting to be chosen.<\/p>\n Changing my attitude from “choosing” to “choosing” gave me the confidence to ask different questions on dates. What were you listening to in your car? Are you open to marriage? Do you want children? I didn’t care if they thought I meant too much.<\/p>\n My online profile was honest about what I wanted while still showing my personality\u2014silliness, sarcasm, compassion. When the communication moved to the phone, I would say: “Well, we both want our man.”<\/p>\n Most were cool with that. Some were probably right.<\/p>\n For the first time, I was choosing to use my voice and set boundaries. And as hard as it was to say “no thanks,” I did.<\/strong><\/p>\n I remember one day where we met for drinks after work. I stopped doing dinner dates\u2014no need to hang out with the wrong person for that long. He was beautiful. The conversation was good. But my gut knew this wasn’t a romantic game, and I didn’t want friends.<\/p>\n When he asked if he could walk me to my car, I said, “I’m actually going to have dinner at a bar.” He asked if I wanted company.<\/p>\n I said no.<\/p>\n The elder would have said yes out of respect. The new me ordered wine and I enjoyed my entire meal on my own. It was the first time I felt confident eating alone in public, and it felt powerful.<\/p>\n I was not looking to marry anyone. I wanted my man. And that required putting myself first.<\/p>\n I started trying new things on my own. I took a jewelry making class at a community college\u2014partly because I love jewelry, partly because who knows where you might meet someone. It didn’t lead to love, but I met one of my best friends now.<\/p>\n I dated for months on purpose. Some guys were good but not my guy. Others revealed themselves within five minutes. I learned to walk without guilt or explanation.<\/p>\n I was starting to get tired. But I made a promise to myself: no settling down. So I kept showing up.<\/strong><\/p>\n Then there’s Seth from Seattle. We have been texting each other for weeks after I posted online. His profile revealed how much he loved “the PNW.” I had to google what that meant\u2014I thought it might be something sexual. It meant the Pacific Northwest.<\/p>\n It was fun to talk to him and he made me laugh. Sometimes I was silent for days, but every time I answered, it felt easier. Natural. He remembered details about my life. He was vulnerable with his previous relationship. He could explain what he wanted.<\/p>\n When he invited me to dinner a month ago\u2014he was coming to Arizona for a conference\u2014I broke my drinks-only rule. Something about him felt different.<\/p>\n Dinner happened, and so did all those words that I had rolled my eyes at. “You’ll know when you know.” “It happens when you least expect it.” As soon as I got out of my car, I saw him standing and heard.<\/p>\n We sat side by side in the restaurant, we talked for hours, and I knew: this was an alignment I didn’t have to make. We were on the same page without me helping to get there.<\/p>\n Before he flew back home, I called him from my car. “I just wanted to make sure you knew how much I love you.” He said, “I love you too.”<\/p>\n That time was not a choice. It was about having the courage to make a choice\u2014and to say it without acting or playing games.<\/strong><\/p>\n I was proud of myself. Not by finding love, but doing the work of loving myself first. By saying no to what is not right. By showing up as me\u2014unpolished, imperfect, completely myself.<\/p>\n I’ve learned that my professional strengths\u2014connecting with people, creating safety, facilitating vulnerability\u2014can hurt me in dating. I was playing without paying attention. Being true while being tested. And that prevented me from real communication.<\/p>\n Once I did the work, I approached love in a different way. I didn’t go on dates hoping you would love me. I went in hoping to find out if we were compatible. And I was confident enough to leave when we were away.<\/p>\n Nothing worth having comes easily. Think about your career, that goal you achieved, that commitment you kept. It took work. A daily effort. Intentional dating is no different.<\/p>\n If I could tell that woman in the speakeasy anything, it would be this: Your professional skills are gifts. But on days, they are weapons. You can’t build real intimacy while you’re busy having a good conversation.<\/p>\n The right person won’t need you to be good at hooking up. They will need you to be honest about whether you are connected. And that needs to come out raw\u2014unpolished, raw, willing to be seen.<\/p>\n Stop the test. Start choosing. More will follow.<\/p>\n
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