Join the Tiny Buddha list<\/strong> for 20 free gifts, including challenges, workbooks, and more!<\/p>\n “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the end.” ~CS Lewis<\/strong><\/p>\n I started life in a poor home with one parent who left when I was very young, he was never seen or heard from again, the other stuck by but made it clear that I was not wanted and that I was ruining their life by being there.<\/p>\n For some reason, I have never had contact with any of their parents, my grandparents, and even less contact with their extended families.<\/p>\n So, as a young child, I knew I had no physical or emotional safety net. There was no turning back, no one to soften if things went wrong. I needed independence to survive.<\/p>\n As an abandoned and rejected child, I was independent and strong, and I was driven by the goal of escaping and making a life for myself. But I couldn’t take risks or focus on studying because I didn’t have a safety net.<\/p>\n During my school exams, I worked full time during early holidays and part time during term time. Then I was tired when it came to exams and had little time to revise. At points in my undergraduate degree, I was working almost full-time to keep a roof over my head, always living off an overdraft.<\/p>\n I kept what happened and what happened at home inside. I never talked about it. No one knew. All my peers had two parents, and they didn’t understand my life or support me. In those days, teachers and other adults were not as knowledgeable as I am now, and I was never asked about my home life or given support. So there was no emotional safety net either.<\/p>\n Since I took care of myself financially, I really learned how to spend money. This meant that when I started working for a living in my twenties, I became successful much faster than my peers. They studied the world of work after university; I have been there for years.<\/p>\n When I grew up, when I found myself in the upper class world, my friends thought I was like them. They would talk about people from single-parent families and broken homes as those who would not make it.<\/p>\n I was not used to talking about my condition. It’s not something that comes naturally in conversation, and, like many difficult family situations, people are often uncomfortable responding and may say things that make you feel worse without knowing it. (I’ve also heard “My father would never leave me!” as if they don’t believe or focus on me at all.)<\/p>\n There is no standard toolkit for supporting a person who has been abused or abandoned by their family, and it is a topic that has only recently begun to be openly discussed in public discussions. So I didn’t know how to talk about myself in an authentic way when it came to family.<\/p>\n Every day, at work or at social events, at Christmas or on Mother’s or Father’s Day, people talk about their families of origin and think that others have the same. It is normal for many people, and they strive to support someone who has a different truth.<\/p>\n I realized a few years ago that many of my friends didn’t know about my conditions, so I felt misunderstood and like a core part of me wasn’t visible.<\/p>\n As a young adult, I decided to create a family of friends, or a chosen family, with people I met while studying or at work because I needed to have people around me. Years later, I realized that all my relationships were affected by growing up feeling unwanted and unloved. So, I wasn’t showing who was in my life and I didn’t understand that I had my own needs in a relationship. If someone wanted to spend time with me, who was I to say no?!<\/p>\n This led to friendships and romantic relationships that were, at best, inconsistent without real connection and, at worst, abusive. And, when the holidays came, my friends’ families would disappear to be with their real families. So I had not filled the void in my life, despite my strength and efforts.<\/p>\n I was trying to distract myself from the pain of not having a family by building new relationships. However, through therapy, I realized that the key is to learn to live with the gap of what I didn’t have\u2014to process it, deal with it, and actually feel that pain.<\/p>\n Reconnecting with myself, especially my own child, was key. I had to take some of the energy I had let out to please others and bring it back in to learn to deal with my loss, heal, and develop my own choices.<\/p>\n A wonderful therapist helped me understand that I was living with some kind of grief. She explained, “Grief is attached to something that doesn’t exist. Now I live with the problem and the pain, I grieve the feeling of loss and abandonment rather than distract myself from it. Not trying to fix it or fill it but learning to accept it as part of my story.<\/p>\n Although the pain will never fully go away, I now choose a place to connect with myself, which has led to fulfilling relationships and more energy to put into meaningful activities.<\/p>\n Growing up without a safety net means focusing on survival. Throughout my childhood, I worked hard to find a safe and secure place for my own freedom. Between these efforts and what I endured, I was exhausted. As I grew older, I continued to work on building my own secure life.<\/p>\n By the time I turned thirty, I had the basics: a safe home, financial security, and good people in my life. That’s when it dawned on me\u2014that I was always thinking and planning bad things that never happened, that I was always on guard in ordinary situations, and that I was exhausting myself with endless chanting.<\/p>\n I was still operating in survival mode when I didn’t need to. My body and mind had not yet come to terms with the fact that I was finally safe. I had to learn to live, not just survive.<\/p>\n Some talk about recovering from trauma as coming back to yourself, but when you endured it as a child, you weren’t given the chance to know who that person was. Who am I if I’m not in survival mode? I had to find out who I am at my core and learn how to just live.<\/p>\n Realizing this was the first step. I was fortunate to have great therapists, a full course of EMDR to process and rewire my mind, group therapy, where I learned from others, and other therapies.<\/p>\n There was a moment during the EMDR (removal of negative beliefs) process when I was asked to think about what would have helped me as a child in the midst of a difficult experience I had.<\/p>\n At first, all I could think about was to change what was happening to me and have someone intervene. But then I thought of giving my baby a hug. That’s what he needed at that time, and for many others.<\/p>\n Since then, I have tried to focus on my needs and take care of myself, which has helped me to stop living in a practical way but to be successful.<\/p>\n It wasn’t easy or quick, but after a while I went out to receive treatment in the world, I realized that I have a lot of energy. It was as if I had been carrying a dead weight around me all my life that lifted, and I suddenly felt lighter in my daily activities.<\/p>\n I was able to identify and walk away from unhealthy relationships, which reduced negative interactions, which reduced and increased my positive interactions.<\/p>\n I use this energy in fulfilling and meaningful activities in my time outside of work\u2014giving back, researching, participating in hobbies. I gained strength from doing it and I reached my potential. I became myself. Without being a victim of my circumstances, I was able to thrive.<\/p>\n If you are also navigating life outside of a traditional family of origin, know that you are living with a kind of grief that is little understood, and since that will not leave you, a loving, safe, and fulfilling life is still possible.<\/p>\n The first step is to understand and process what is happening to you so that you can give yourself the care and nurturing you need. That is what will give you the strength, resilience, and compassion to thrive.<\/p>\nDoes not include mold <\/strong><\/h3>\n
Filling the Void\u2026 or Learning to Live With It <\/strong><\/h3>\n
Survival and Thrive <\/strong><\/h3>\n
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