The relationship between father and work is so full that here at Fatherwe made the subject of the first chapter of Baba’s new book Fatherhood: The Complete Guide to Birth, Financial Planning, Finding Flow, and Happy Parenthood (available for pre-order now). It is clear that the risks of being a father start from the beginning. Men are not given paternity leave. Fathers rely heavily on sources of state laws that may or may not allow them paid time at home in the first weeks of their child’s life. Only five states currently mandate paid parental leave. New York State, California, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Washington State, and Washington, DC, now have laws in place requiring employers to provide paid leave to employees. Leave amounts range from four to twelve weeks and cover anywhere from 60 to 90 percent of salary, depending on the hours the parent works.
Any other leave a parent may receive is at the employer’s discretion. The best businesses recognize the benefit of allowing family time to establish long-term caregiving patterns and partnerships. They will give three months leave to both parents. The worst companies allow less leave or give it only to mothers.
Some men took action. Financial giant JP Morgan was hurt by such bad policies back in 2021. A Fortune 500 company paid $5 million in damages after a civil rights lawsuit was filed on behalf of a father who was denied paternity leave because he was not considered the primary caregiver.
The thing is, aggressive action like civil rights lawsuits is exactly the kind of thing that will change policies and cause fathers to take a break in general. Dads don’t seem to have the balls to push companies to make changes, or wait for women to take the lead.
Unfortunately, I feel I have to stop here to address the fact that I take paternity leave benefits for granted. But, such is our world. You would have to be a flawless dummy or an edgelord who does not want to believe that: a) a father who spends a lot of time with a child when he is an infant has no benefits for the child or the father or b) that there is nothing the father can do when the child is just born. It should be clear that establishing nurturing and nurturing patterns in childhood provides benefits for future development. And it’s borderline misogynistic to be so blind to the unpaid work of women who work at home, from the start, that you think the only thing they do on break is “breastfeed.”
Regressive ideas about the father’s role in the first months of a child’s life drive the status quo. But they persist because people have allowed them to persist. Maternity leave is a male issue and the change that makes it universal and expected is a job that men should lead. I shouldn’t be the Lys Lenzs of the world pressuring men to take a break; it should be male partners and male business thought leaders.
One of the best characteristics of masculinity is the desire to lead and protect. We have an opportunity to do both of those things when it comes to improving parental leave. It is not the job of women to tell men what to do or to lead men in crimes. In fact, waiting for women to tell us what to do has made their lives more difficult. Men should not be told that it is time to wash the dishes or change a load of clothes just as they should not be told how to panic for a change.
And men’s failure to earn a unique wage that allows inequality in employment issues like paid leave, or equal pay and advancement, is rampant in our workplaces. You have to believe that paternity leave would be the whole point if corporate America felt that not having it would make them lose faith in the men’s work. There is a lot of humor when it is said that you are the “stronger” sex and you sit on top of that power to the detriment of our children and families.
Lenz is right. Many men need to take more time off from their families. But for that to happen, there must be a break available. And it won’t be found until men make it a point to demand recognition of their equality in childcare.
This article was originally published
