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“I was very patient because I didn’t want to lose people, now I set limits because I don’t want to lose myself.” ~Unknown
I often felt stretched and drained in my life, weighed down by obligations, and confused as to why I felt overwhelmed even when everything looked ‘good.’ At that time, I did not connect this fatigue with restrictions at all. I just knew that the way I was living required a lot from me, although I hadn’t said what this was really about.
For a long time, I didn’t have a language for what was happening inside me, and I hadn’t seen this weakness as something I could answer internally.
I thought boundaries were external, something that other people should understand intuitively and respect. I believed that they should know what to say or not to ask because “I have boundaries.” However, those expectations left me frustrated and unfulfilled most of the time.
When I think about that belief now, it feels like a premature, incomplete expression of something I came to a long time ago—the realization that boundaries don’t start with other people. They start with how we relate to ourselves. This shift in perspective was enlightening and empowering.
The beginning was not good; It was a daily decision
I didn’t wake up one day and decide, “I’m going to set healthy limits.” Instead, it started with small moments of awareness:
- When I felt weak after saying yes to the plans I didn’t want to go
- When I realized that I was prioritizing being loved more than being with myself
- When my body feels tense when I smile and say “yes” because I’m afraid to say “no”
A simple example stands out: I went to the movies with friends even when my energy was completely depleted (for fear of missing out). I would leave feeling tired, then rush into the next day’s activities feeling tired and low. It was in the quiet moments after that—introspection—that I realized I was choosing to be tired over what really nourished me.
Little by little, “no” became not just a word but a tangible experience, something I chose because I knew I would feel at peace afterwards, without guilt or anger.
And sometimes that meant choosing to remain silent instead of engaging in conversations where I had nothing authentic to offer.
I remember sitting on the board at work when the founder started talking about car racing the day before. Colleagues quickly join in, offer ideas and try to impress. I felt a natural pull to say something, to be seen and included, and realized I had no real interest or knowledge to offer.
Choosing to be quiet then was not a quiet thing; it was a wise decision to respect myself rather than my pride. Protecting my inner peace was non-negotiable.
I have a dear friend whose motto has stuck with me: don’t let anyone disturb your inner peace. That wisdom helped me plan how I began to decide what to say, what to do, and yes… when to leave. Inner peace was never something distant or desired but something that was lived and felt by every choice.
From External Rules to Internal Awareness
Working with ethics with another friend was a turning point for me. It helped me see what was most important—and, importantly, how living according to those values felt in my body and nervous system: safe, stable, and peaceful. So, when a decision left me depressed, unsettled, or feeling like I was giving up on myself, I knew something important needed to change.
One of the hardest lessons, without a doubt, was saying no to work.
After returning from maternity leave—dropping off my sons at daycare early in the morning before rushing to work, then rushing back for fear they’d get upset or forget—I found it hard to say no to requests that didn’t respect my true boundaries.
I remember standing in my office, worried and sweaty, trying to answer a boss who didn’t seem to see or feel the emotional and physical stress I was carrying. Seeking support and understanding didn’t mean you saw it, and I had to learn to speak internally instead of hoping others would know exactly what I needed.
The Shift: How I Adapted to Internal Selection
It wasn’t just an overnight revolution. It grew in moments like standing in my office, heart racing, body tensing, and realizing that continuing to be proud cost me more than the discomfort of standing and communicating honestly.
I began to pause (pause) before answering requests and expectations. At first, I did this consciously and sequentially before it gradually became something I put together:
Posture and breathing: noticing the inhalation and exhalation before speaking.
Entering my body: seeing my shoulders rise and my jaw slowly grind straight after a request that caused tension when asking is beyond my control.
Directing my attention to the relationship between my body and the chair, the floor, and the earth beneath me, also invites a sense of stability.
Using simple phrases to create space, such as “Can I come back to you?” or “Let me sit with this for a while.”
Choosing from a place of respect for needs, not fear or “should.”
This practice gave me the strength to say, and sometimes, even more difficult, to say how I was affected. I remember saying these things to my boss, later:
“I won’t finish this tonight.”
“I understand this is important… I will prioritize it tomorrow.”
When you use that tone or language, I feel powerless. It would be important to me if we spoke in a different way.”
What started as small, awkward moments of discomfort eventually became a framework that changed the way I related to myself and the world.
Key Practice is Repetitive Learning
Today, this is one of my most powerful teachings; while imperfect, it is simple, doable, and reminds us to connect with our wholeness as heart-body beings.
I do this in my life, over and over again. I see it most clearly in the way I relate to my sons, when I’m not doing anything, I’m very present, and I’m willing to pause instead of pushing. It gives me clarity in the moment and the stability of choosing what really aligns rather than what keeps the peace. And the beauty of it is this: the more you practice, the stronger the feeling of self-confidence, and the easier it becomes.
So if your boundaries are feeling blurry right now, know this:
Boundaries start from within. It is not a list of rules for others to follow—it is a living experience of honoring what is most important within you.
About Carolina Gonzalez
Carolina Gonzalez is an award-winning, certified mindfulness and meditation teacher based in Sydney, Australia. After navigating her own journey through emotional breakdowns and midlife transitions, she now supports women to reconnect with their inner calm, build confidence, and live with greater clarity and inner peace. You can check out her work and download her Daily Reset Kit: seven mini moments (less than 60 seconds each) to help you get out of work mode and back to yourself, at carolinagonzalezmindfulness.com/free.
